Crossing Over Via Shamanic Dismemberment!

One thing that comes out in myths is that at the bottom of the abyss comes the voice of salvation. The black moment is the moment when the real message of transformation is going to come. At the darkest moment comes the light.

-- Joseph Campbell

Bored, feeling negative, self-hate. Want to "cross-over" and Rest In Peace. Escape from the pain inherent in time, memory, thought. But can't. I'm stuck in my egoic mindset for some reason.
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Flames of negativity have engulfed me. Perhaps my invocation has worked, and Vulcan has ignited his force! Or perhaps I'm just a mad, hated, bad, and unforgivable creature.
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The fire of purification must activate and bring to surface the lies and seeming sins of my mind, in order to clear them from the air of awareness.
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This "via negative" is a bitch!... a Kali-like, devouring, black hole, whose breath is a hot and violent wind of pneumatic baptism.
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The black, Serpent-Sun, Sol Niger, is Thanatos, lord of death, come to "cross" me over to a higher kingdom of consciousness. But my ego wants to stay here in this hell realm we call Earth.
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How the "tongues of fire" (Acts 2:3) or Holy Spiration, licks at my brain; tormenting, disintegrating, catabolising. I must be careful before I pray to invoke Christ; for he "comes to bring fire upon the earth." (Luke 12:49).
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I guess "crossing over" into a formless and timeless Space requires that my thought-formations and time-identification must be broken down, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, as in shamanic dismemberment.
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This solitude, self-induced social isolation, and self-mortification, tortures me, like the self traumatising Shaman, bent on driving his spirit out of the flesh with self-inflicted cuts and blood offering, such is his dance of madness.
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Suddenly, I am through!... Crossed over via a sacramental rite-of-passage. The pain of human existence, consciously recognized, drives me mad and out of my body. I become aware that I'm holding onto a red-hot chain and ball, called my separate ego! So I drop it.
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I feel I can now rest in peace. The arms of the shamanic Christ open wide, to raise me up from the dead, forgive, receive, and accept my sacrifice. My ego is broken, de-mented, and disintegrated by an Alien, "not of this world." (John 8:23). I am abducted on high from this hell realm. Heaven's heave lifts us up, stretches us out. I am crucified.

The Alchemical Black Sun.